Through the Tide
by PLLHalebSpoby
Summary: Spoilers for 4B. Spencer is thrilled to be back on the decathlon team. When she befriends a new teammate, Brenda, she soon falls into dangerous habits that soon come between her friendships, family and most importantly, her relationship.
1. Chapter 1

After successfully completing her unofficial decathlon probation, her status as senior member had been officially reinstated by none other than the charming, albeit geeky Andrew Campbell.

It felt unexpectedly wonderful to know that she would have a chance to compete at nationals again, and gain recognition for the brain she had been blessed with.

It didn't feel weird, either, being back on the meetings again. Everyone treated her with cautious curiosity, as the freak that had been admitted to Radley for exhaustion.

She was used to people staring at her anyway, as the daughter of two top notch lawyers and "that girl" the friend of the missing girl, Alison DiLaurentis.

"Welcome, everyone, to our first meeting of the school year," Andrew said, sitting directly across from Spencer, as he addressed the small group of five.

Andrew hadn't changed at all-the preppy look was still there, as well as the hideous comb-over that made him look twelve.

The others in the group smiled and nodded tensely, still apparently not over their last major win, and clearly hoping for another victory this year.

"And we would like to welcome back Spencer Hastings," Andrew said, exchanging a look with her, as he smiled.

"It's good to be back," Spencer said, perfecting her posture, her shoulders back as a rod. "I see we're missing a member."

"Ah, yes," Andrew said, looking uncomfortable. "Due to her erratic behavior as of late, Mona's extracurricular activities have been postponed."

Getting admitted back into Radley would put a kink in her never ending plight to destroy Spencer's life. It was one less source of stress she had to deal with, and for that she was grateful.

"Well, the team won't be the same without her," Spencer said, injecting as much fake sympathy as she could. "Do you think we should send her a copy of our admittance into the nationals?"

No one acknowledged her comment, other than a few smirks from people who clearly were _not _fans of the elusive and sneaky Mona Vanderwaal.

"And," Andrew said, hiding a smile behind his hand. "We would like to welcome a new member to our ranks this year. Brenda White."

For the first time, Spencer turned her attention to the small, brown haired girl sitting at the end of the row. She had been busy scribbling in her notebook the entire hearing, but looked up when her name was mentioned.

"Hi," she said. "I'm so glad to be here."

The team mumbled their welcome, but only Spencer took the time to properly smile at her and make her feel welcome. "I'm so glad to meet you."

"Thanks," she smiled. "You too."

Spencer was so used to the feeling of being rejected by those who considered her a snob or insane, that it was almost a normal thing, but she still felt sympathy toward those who suffered the same fate.

The meeting disbanded soon after, with Andrew setting a tentative schedule for the rest of the semester.

The meeting had gone well, her reception, smoother than she would have thought.

Walking with a notable spring in her step, she stopped beside Hanna at her locker. "Hey."

"Hey," she said, swinging her purse over her shoulder. "Is geek club over?"

"_Yes_," Spencer said, rolling her eyes. "It is. And _Mona _got kicked _out._"

That sparked Hanna's interest as she arched an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Her rodeo back to Radley, I presume."

Hanna shifted uncomfortably as she closed her locker with a snap. "Is this my fault?"

Spencer's eyes widened incredulously. "For _what_?"

"For her exile from geek club."

"Oh, Hanna," Spencer said in exasperation.

"Really! I didn't ask her to go and save my mother!"

"Yes," Spencer said, grabbing her shoulders as if to shake much needed sense into her. "She _wants _you to think she's a saint, but she's not."

"I know."

Exiting from the school lot, used to fill her with anxiety-the place had become a temporary home of sorts, but now that she had other places to travel to, the separation became easier.

Dropping her things off in her bedroom, she made a baleen to her car. Destination? The loft, the home of her heart, and the man that had stolen hers.

Thankfully he was home. Work toolbelt throw haphazardly on the ground as he welcomed her with a sinfully delicious Cinnamon treat.

"Thank you so much," she said, closing her eyes in delight. "This is _so _good."

"I thought you would need something to keep you up while you studied."

"You know me too well."

Of course that was her plan for the night. Retire to bed, and spend the next several hours filling her brain with equations and word problems.

It was tiring but ultimately soothing.

"Are you staying over tonight?"

"You bet."


	2. Chapter 2

The text had told her to come to the guesthouse alone. She knew why, too. Ever since the girls had seen Alison in Ravenswood, they had been glued to their phones, hoping for another text from her, to let them know she was fine.

The texts had been sporadic in the weeks since Ravenswood.

While Alison hadn't explicitly told them to keep her appearance a secret, they had automatically assumed that they should tell as little people as possible.

She hadn't told Toby yet.

It would only serve to bring about more arguments and more questions that she couldn't answer.

The barn was a good place to meet. With Melissa in London for an internship, Spencer had set the barn up as her temporary headquarters.

The door creaked as Spencer opened it. Making a mental note to grease it when time allowed, she looked around the still empty barn. It was cluttered, thanks to her boxes and the ones that Melissa had accidentally left.

Picking up an older photo of the five of them, Spencer smiled.

It had been taken at the height of their friendship with each other. She had always kept it with her things, figuring the memory was too precious to lose.

But things had changed, and she knew that.

Her eyes had been opened while Alison was gone, and she quickly realized that Alison wasn't the saint that she had portrayed during their friendship.

Spencer would approach a new friendship with her cautiously. Not jumping headfirst into it like she had last time.

Too much was at stake for her to fully trust her again.

"I remember that picture," Alison said from behind her.

"Yeah," Spencer said, turning to face her. "In Seventh Grade, we'd just met."

Alison nodded, allowing a small smile to grace her features. "It was great."

Spencer nodded, sitting down on the one piece of furniture that Melissa hadn't moved, a lounge chair.

"Alison, who are you afraid of?"

The smile vanished from her face as she studied Spencer. It was almost like a brilliant switch she could turn off and on. "It's complicated, Spence."

"Well then _un-complicate _it, _Ali_. We've been going around, lying to our parents, to the people that we care about."

A cold smirk lined Alison's features. "People like Toby?"

This was the Alison that Spencer hated. The one that could seemingly see into your soul and use what you were worried about, against you.

Naturally, Spencer had hesitated in telling Toby because of the nasty history he shared with Alison.

"Don't talk about him," Spencer warned.

"You're not that transparent, Spence, I know what you're worried about."

"Then stop."

"Fine."

"We all want to know what happened. Who you're so afraid of."

Alison looked over her shoulder, as if she was listening for someone. "I can't tell you right now. I thought I knew, but I don't."

Spencer sighed, swiping her hair behind her ears. "Is it someone we know?"

"Let's just say that someone you know well has you completely fooled. I'm surprised one of you hasn't figured it out yet."

Typical, cryptic Alison.

It would make way too much sense for her to be upfront.

* * *

School was pointless, but somehow Hanna found herself braving it day after day as she walked through those halls.

"Hello," Mona said, appearing next to her at her locker.

"Hi."

"So I was wondering if you wanted to hit the racks after school."

Hanna shook her head. "No, thanks."

"Why not? I thought that we had moved past all of that other stuff after what I did for your mother."

Hanna sighed, looking at Mona as they began to walk down the hall toward their next class. "That's the thing, Mona. I _don't _know why you did that."

"I did it for you. Is that really so difficult to understand?"

"Yes."

With Caleb still entrenched in whatever freak sideshow was going on in Ravenswood, her list of available contacts had been limited. He had sent her a slew of voice mails and texts, but none could compare to the real thing.

"Is Caleb still gone?"

"You would know," Hanna replied testily, hitching her bag higher on her shoulder. "I have to go."

* * *

Still troubled about the discussion she and Alison had had, all Spencer wanted was to retreat to the loft, and have the movie night she and Toby had been planning for a few weeks now.

"Hey," she said, swinging her bag over onto the chair, and going over to properly greet him. "Are you still up for tonight?"

"Yeah," he said, "of course. Pizza?"

"Sure. Get mine with veggies, okay?"

Toby looked at Spencer as he shook his head in amusement. "Are you sure you want pizza?"

"Yeah," Spencer nodded, "they actually make them healthy, can you believe it?"

"Do you want to order? Or do you want me to go get it?"

"Just order it. How am I supposed to see you if you leave?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, Spencer!" Brenda said, catching up to her after one of the classes they shared. "Are you going to the next meeting today?"

"Yeah, I wouldn't miss it," Spencer said, while not necessarily sharing her friend's enthusiasm, could still relate to their mutual desire to be studious and be on top of things.

"Oh, good," she said, balancing two or three binders as they walked.

"Homework?"

"My regular classes, plus the electives I'm taking."

"Wow," Spencer said, taking a look at her load with a fresh pair of eyes. "I wish I could do that."

Her schedule simply didn't allow her the luxury of choosing which courses to take. It would be nice, but with A and finishing the year strong, she couldn't do it.

"Why can't you?" Brenda asked, tilting her head to the side in curiosity.

"Workload. I have my AP classes, and now the decathlon meetings are starting back up again."

"You're taking AP? That's _great_!" Brenda said, using her hands to illustrate her point. "I have my music club, and my other one, but that's about it."

Her first thought upon meeting Brenda was that she talked too much. It wasn't a flaw, just an observation more than anything.

"I've been in AP since Freshman year," Spencer said, recalling the big fuss her parents had made when she had announced it.

"How do you balance all that, though? Isn't that, like, _hard_?"

Repressing the urge to shake her head, she forced a smile on her face as they walked down the stairs.

"My brain," she said, tapping the side of her head. "What's your secret?"

"Just the normal stuff," Brenda shrugged, though she definitely looked uncomfortable now.

"Oh."

Once they reached their separate classes, they bid farewell to each other. Spencer to head on to her AP classes, Brenda to go to her English class.

She was a nice girl, someone that she could communicate with who shared the same common interests as her. Especially with someone who was just as an overachiever as she was.

It was rare that someone matched Spencer in wits and brain.

* * *

Ever since their spur of the moment meet at Halloween, Aria had been accepting Ezra's calls and texts. Not knowing what to think of their renewed communication, she had kept herself closed off, not agreeing to go on any secret trips with him.

He had finally wound her down, convinced her to get away from the craziness that was Rosewood, and go to a cabin that his mother had loaned to him.

"Are you sure your Mom won't mind us crashing here?"

"Aria," he said, as they pulled up. "My mother doesn't even know, and it's none of her business even if she did."

Aria nodded slowly, still unsure. "Okay, babe."

"What about Jake?"

"I was honest-I told him that I was going on a little trip with you."

"And he didn't object to that at all?"

Aria shrugged. "I didn't say he didn't object. He was concerned."

Truth was, she wasn't sure how she felt about the two men in her life. Her heart would always belong to Ezra, and she knew that, but she had gone to so many lengths to keep him away, and now she was giving in?

With Jake, it was safe. It was right. In a normal life, he would be her ideal choice. No strings attached, close to her age and they could be seen out in public together.

"Aria," he said, as they walked up the dirt path to the cabin. "Does he have anything to be worried about?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I don't know why you asked me here, but it's nice to get away."

"I wanted to ask you because I've missed you."

He had been planning this, she knew that. The roaring fire in the living room was a dead giveaway, as was the linen white cloth that adorned a table set with her favorite foods.

"I-"

He cut her off with a kiss that was as unexpected as it was wonderful. A blazing trail of fire crawled down her spine as she found herself inexplicably kissing him back.

How she had missed him, missed their rendezvous together in his apartment. The takeout, the secrecy that had been hard, but had been exciting at the same time.

"What are you doing?" she asked, snapping back to reality.

"I don't know," he said. "But I-"

His sentence was cut off, as she blessed his lips with another, stronger kiss of her own. What she was doing, she knew it was wrong, knew that she couldn't play both sides, knew that she had to make up her mind one way or another.

"What is this?" she asked.

"I don't know."

"You obviously had some plan."

"I wanted to see if there was any part of you that still loved me, and I got my answer."

"I do."

* * *

Hanna sighed. Her mother had gone on a date with Ted, leaving her to her own devices that night. She actually didn't mind it, the privacy was rare, something that she had sorely missed lately.

A knock at the door changed all that.

Her brows furrowing in confusion, wondering if her mother had lost her keys again, she went to answer it.

"Caleb!"

It had been a few weeks since he had stayed behind in Ravenswood, and while she was overjoyed to see him again, she couldn't help but wonder why he was back so soon.

"Hey," he said, letting a smile grace his features as he pulled her in for a customary kiss.

Something was wrong, though. The smile that normally met his eyes without any effort was gone, replaced with a phony smile that made her stop in her tracks.

"Is something wrong?"

"I found some stuff, about my family."

"In Ravneswood?"

"Yeah."

"What about Miranda?"

"She's good."

"So..."

"Hanna, I came to say goodbye."


	4. Chapter 4

"Tell me what happened!" Hanna demanded, looking at a stricken Caleb as he stood in front of her. "Tell me!"

"Hanna, it's not what you think-"

Truth was, she didn't know what to believe. Her trust had always been something that one had to earn, and no one knew that better than Caleb, after everything that they had been through together.

"Then tell me!"

"I will if you let me get a word in."

Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest, waiting for him to elaborate on what had happened that would make his homecoming impossible.

"We found some really creepy stuff," he explained, "my face on a _gravestone_. Hers, too. The town is freaky, no one seems to know why that would be, and when we went back to find it again, it was gone."

"So why can't you come home?"

"I have to stay there until we find out what happened."

There was so many areas of Hanna's life that was out of control, she hated that he was leaving, that she was losing yet another stable influence on her life.

"Can I come?"

"It's too risky right now."

"Can I come visit?"

"Soon," he promised, stepping foreword to bless her forehead with a kiss. "I love you."

"Okay," she said, "I love you, too."

His time there had been so short. As he turned and prepared to walk out the door, she had the insane urge to run after him, demand that he take her with him so that she could protect him.

Instead, she leaned against the doorjamb and watched as his vehicle pulled away from the curb. She didn't know when she would see him next, she didn't know how long he would feel compelled to stay there.

She only hoped it wouldn't last too much longer.

* * *

Through the doubts that had plagued her mind, not to mention the little Jiminy Cricket like voice in her mind, telling her that this was wrong, Aria remained with Ezra in the cabin for the rest of the night.

When it came time for them to retire to the bedroom, when their eyes had the sensation of bricks being pressed down on them, she hesitated before allowing him to lead her into the same room.

_Jake! _Her mind screamed, as she allowed herself to kiss him one more time, telling herself that this was a one time thing.

Her mind screamed that as she allowed them to become more and more entrenched in their little safe haven, there. It was wrong, she had walked through a horrible year with her father for the same thing, and now _she _was doing it.

"We can't," she whispered, breathless against his neck. "We can't."

"Yes, we can," he whispered back. "We are."

He leaned over over her, peppering her neck with a series of kisses as he cradled her head tenderly.

"I love you," she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief.

All roads seemed to lead back to him. Both literally and figuratively.

"I love you, too."

* * *

Spencer Hastings did not get a B, much less a C. Anything but an A, was completely unacceptable, thanks to the high standards her family had imposed on her.

It was all thanks to the extra amount of pressure she had been under.

Alison.

The decathlon.

And A.

Before, she had managed to balance it without much difficulty, but now it was plainly catching up to her, as she stuffed her disappointing grade in her bag, and walked down the hall with her head held high.

She refused to let this get her down. She refused to fall prey to what A was trying to do.

When she heard the hurried click of high heels, she internally groaned. Brenda could be a great friend, but she clearly didn't know any boundaries as far as friendships went.

"Hi, Spencer!"

"Hi, Brenda," Spencer replied, plastering her best smile on her face.

"You look upset? Are you okay? Oh, did you have a problem with that new math teacher, too-"

"Brenda!"

"Sorry," she said.

"I just...I got a bad grade. That's all."

It was probably something that she could identify with. After all, Brenda was a close match with her academic obsession and her need to overachieve.

"Oh, I'm sorry! Gosh, how bad?"

"A C."

"Ouch!"

"It's fine," Spencer said, waving away her concern.

"Well, I can help you," she said, lowering her voice coyly. "For a price."


	5. Chapter 5

"What _price_?" Spencer asked, not liking the suggestive tone of Brenda's voice as she guided Spencer into the women's bathroom.

A price for anything wasn't what she wanted to deal with-if Brenda had a means to help her, she wanted it and she wanted to go on her way, no repercussions.

But she was a sweet girl, who Spencer could relate to immensely. Deciding on a (stupid) whim to trust her, she followed her into the bathroom, letting her body lean back against the counter as she turned to face her.

"If you slip me the answers to your AP homework?"

Cheating?

She had been raised to believe that cheating was _okay_, if it helped you to achieve the means to an end that you had been previously seeking.

She didn't believe in that. Never had. Though her own family never thought twice about taking advantage of that kind of thing, she had raised herself to a certain moral code that she found hard to separate herself from.

But she was desperate.

"Okay."

The smile that Brenda gave her, was so sweet and so genuine that it almost made Spencer feel better. Almost.

"Thank you _so _much."

Looking through her pocket, she produced a small clear bottle. "Take two of these anytime you have to study, and it should get you through it."

Taking the bottle, she examined the medication. What it was called, possible side effects.

"Ritalin?"

It was a mood control drug, used to treat ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). It had never occurred to her that people would think to abuse this kind of thing. Of course, she supposed she should have figured that out by herself.

"Yeah," Brenda said, waving her hands again for emphasis. "I use it all the time, and it works _great_."

Looking at the drug again, she examined the warning label on the side. "It says I can't take more than two a day."

"Oh, well," Brenda said, "they always say that stuff just in case, but you should be fine."

It was the underlining "should" that concerned Spencer more than anything.

"And you're sure that it's okay?"

"Absolutely."

Transferring the drugs to her pocket, she forced a smile on her face. "Thanks, I'll try it."

* * *

Her heart hammering painfully in her ribs, Aria pushed through the double doors of Jake's martial arts studio. She had just gotten back from her trip to the cabin, and she knew that she couldn't avoid any longer.

She had to be truthful with him, even if it would inevitably hurt them both. Cheating had been such a sore spot in her own personal life, that she couldn't believe she had fallen into the same trap.

"Hey," Jake said, wiping his sweaty hands off with a cloth. "How was the weekend with your ex?"

"It was...intense," Aria said, setting her bag down on the chair.

"Uh-oh," he said, something in his face changing as he took a seat next to her. "What does that mean?"

"We had a moment. One that lasted all night."

Bending down, she watched as he ran his hands over his face, as if it was the last thing he had expected to hear. "Why?"

"I don't know. I wasn't planning on it-"

"You still love him."

"I don't. I-"

"Yes, you do, and that's okay. What we had, it was fun."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Jake shrugged. "I don't want to, but we're chasing a dream here. I want it to work, but do you?"

"I still love him," Aria whispered.

"That's what I thought."


	6. Chapter 6

Laying flat on her stomach as she attempted to study, Spencer could feel her eyes itch, making them feel like a ton of bricks was on them, as she tried to stay awake long enough to finish this equation.

It was for her AP math class, and the one class she had struggled with for the semester. So far, she had been staring at the problem as though blinders were attached to her eyes.

The problems that usually made sense to her, didn't, as she furiously swiped her arm across her eyes. Almost like a magnet, her eyes were drawn to the small medication bottle that she had laid on her nightstand.

Ritalin was a major mood drug, something that was used to control patients who had mood disorders, not to be abused by a grade-challenged student like her.

But, the naughty part of her brain nudged, Brenda had taken the drug and nothing had happened to her. She was perfectly fine-and her grades had climbed as a result.

Reaching over for the bottle, she hesitated before unscrewing the cap and shaking out two pills. Looking at the capsules, she paused, before downing them with a bottle of water.

The effects weren't instantaneous. It took a few minutes before she felt more alert, more calm as she reached for her pencil again, trying to look at the problem with a new set of eyes.

It all clicked now, as she furiously scribbled down on her problem.

It wasn't a healthy habit to form.

It wasn't safe, she was sure, but the last thing she felt like doing, was facing the wrath of her parents. She was sure they wouldn't care if she started popping pills, just as long as she covered it up well.

When her phone chimed with a new message, she reached over to grab it.

_Popping pills? Way to go, cheater-A_

Disgusted, she put her phone down, and returned to her problem. This went on late into the night, until she finally put her pencil down and climbed under the covers.

* * *

It was the weekend when Spencer packed her bag to go to the loft. With her parents in and out of the picture, they hardly noticed when she went away for two days to see Toby.

It was calm there.

It was peaceful.

No judgment, just acceptance.

"How's school?" he asked, setting down a cup of her prized caffeine down.

"It's okay," she shrugged, inhaling the beverage as she returned to her problem.

Ever since her first dose of the medication, she had started taking it before each study session.

"Any news?"

"Met a new friend, Brenda."

"Is she nice?"

"Yeah, she's on the decathlon team with me."

Something told her that she shouldn't mention the drugs to Toby. It would only serve to upset him, and it wasn't anything that he even needed to worry about anyway.

She was always safe with them.

Never exceeding the recommended dosage.

"How is _that _going?"

"Fine. Mona got kicked off it."

"There's a plus."

"Yeah, I know."

Tearing her eyes away from her homework for just a second, she looked up to meet his lips in a careful, loving embrace.

It was rare that they had that.

A few hours to themselves with no outside interruptions.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

If there was anyone that could distract her from her all too important problems, it would be that boy, with his oceanic blue eyes, and his soft, melodic tones.

* * *

Anyone would tell you, that after a breakup, old habits would be easy to fall back into. Especially for people who suffered from certain addictions or vices.

For Hanna, it was the fridge, and the throwing up after the fact.

Caleb's departure had stung. Even though she understood it and supported him, it was still gutwrenching to watch him leave her.

Just another name in the long, never ending list.

"Damnit," she sighed, closing the fridge door for the millionth time.

It had taken her so long to get over her bulimic binges that she knew she would be an idiot to return to that again. It had been Alison that had made her feel so down about herself, and that the only natural cure for that, would be to purge her body of the toxins it had accumulated.

_Vomit tasted horrible. It burned coming up your throat, and sometimes it even got in your hair. Hanna was no exception to that. It was the first time she had ever forced herself to throw up, and her body felt beat down and weakened. _

_Coming out of the bathroom stall, she saw Alison calmly waiting for her, standing against the row of sinks. _

_"Did you do it?"_

_"Yes," she said, looking down in shame. _

_"Then everything will get better."_

_Alison had told her that throwing up after a binge, would rid her body of the fat it had absorbed and make her thinner. Of course Alison hadn't mentioned the potential side effects of doing such a thing._

_She always sugarcoated things, made them seem less than. _

_"What if I die?"_

_"You won't die. Your body has too much blubber for you to croak now."_

_Typical Alison and her cruel jabs designed to target people's very weakness._

The weekend with Ezra had been wonderful-unexpected-but wonderful.

* * *

Aria still wasn't sure what it meant, their new status. Or if it even meant anything at all. It was confusing. Breaking up with Jake had been a step, but now her mind was flooding her with doubts, wondering if she had done the right thing or not.

"Hey," he said, outside the school.

"Hey," she said, looking down. "I was wondering if we could talk?"

He nodded, taking a seat at the park bench they were near. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to let you know that I broke up with Jake."

He arched his eyebrow in surprise. "Really? Why-"

"Because of you," she blurted out.

"You didn't have to do that."

"_Yes_, I did."


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey, Spencer!" Brenda said, catching up to her after chemistry. "Are you okay?" she asked, once she was facing her.

"Uh, yeah," Spencer said, palming her eyes as she tried to squeeze some of the tiredness out of them. "Just a little drowsy."

She had hardly slept the night before. The medication was good for some things, but bad for others. It had caused her old insomnia problems to flare up again, and as a result, had been up all night tossing and turning.

Bloodshot eyes and dark circles, were just some of the nasty side effects of a restless night. It was the bane of her existence, and she hated it.

"Why? Are you okay?"

Spencer nodded. "Yeah, I was up all night. I thought you said that stuff works."

"I did, and it does."

"Then why-"

"It's one of the side effects," Brenda explained flippantly, as if there was no problem.

"Brenda, the point of taking the drug is so that I can study. Not have sleeping problems!"

Another side effect, irritability. She had snapped at Toby that morning, much to his hurt and confusion, and now she was doing it again. But Brenda deserved it, she rationalized, after all, she was the one who had gifted her the drugs.

"Are you taking two every time you study?"

"_Yes_!"

"Okay, spazz, just take another pill. You don't have to follow the pill bottle by the book."

"I just don't feel comfortable-"

"And you still haven't given me the answers to your AP homework."

Spencer sighed, digging in her pocket for the papers. "Here. Is there anything else?"

"No, just do it, okay? See?" she said, pointing to herself. "I'm fine, and I take three every night, and it doesn't do me any harm."

"Alright, I'll think about it."

* * *

As always, and fortunately for her, Hanna's mother was always in tune with her needs, and most especially her moods.

Feeling down and out about Caleb, Hanna had submerged herself in searching out clues in the diary she had swapped from A's lair.

So far, it hadn't wielded anything she hadn't already known, but that didn't stop her from combing through it word by word.

"Hanna," Ashley said, stopping in front of her. "You've been reading that thing for the past two hours."

"Yeah? It's good for me."

"So is a shower and a good nights sleep. Have you even slept since Caleb?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Ashley sighed, rubbing her daughter's shoulder. "I know what will cheer you up."

"What?"

"Just come on," Ashley said, with a knowing smile.

Perplexed, and maybe even a little excited, Hanna followed her mother to a country club where her mother's boyfriend, Pastor Ted was. The surprise, turned out to be a competitive game of pool.

Hanna had proven to be quite efficient at the game when she was younger, but hadn't played since then.

"Are you ready to cry?" she asked her mother teasingly.

"Are _you_?"

"Remember, play nice, girls," Ted reminded them, sounding every inch like the concerned parent as he supervised the game.

Hanna rolled her eyes as she squared her shoulders, ready to bring out the beast in her that loved these kinds of games.

"Score!" Ashley said, grinning as she rolled two balls into their respective sockets.

"No fair! You cheated somehow."

"No, I swear!"

Gritting her teeth, Hanna tried the same thing with limited results, until finally, she managed to sink one.

Ignoring Ted's supportive pat on her shoulder, Hanna tried again, focusing her vision purely on the balls in question. When she scored three balls, she turned to her mother, a victorious grin on her face.

"Ha!"

* * *

Feeling beaten down, and just the slightest bit dirty, as if she had handed over the secrets of her entire life, Spencer walked up the steps to the loft, feeling like an escape was just the thing she needed.

"Hey," Toby said in surprise, clearly not expecting her on a school night. "Is everything okay?"

Spencer nodded, batting away tears as she allowed herself to lose herself in his embrace. "Yeah, I just-I just needed a hug tonight."

Toby nodded, allowing Spencer to tuck her head under his chin. "It's okay," he soothed, "it's okay."

"I know."

She wanted to tell him everything, wanted to hear that she was doing the wrong thing and should stop, but she was scared, scared of what he would think of her.

"Is school bothering you?"

A singular shake of her head answered his question.

"Do you want to stay over?"

A nod answered the question this time.

"Can you take me to school?" she sniffled.

"Of course."

* * *

Alison had texted Emily, telling her to meet in the woods by the kissing rock. It was a location that Emily hadn't been to in years, not since right after her supposed funeral.

"Ali?"

It was night, the birds chirping pleasantly as they watched her traipse through the heavily wooded area.

"Thanks for coming," Alison said from behind her.

She had ditched the red coat, and was wearing a fur white coat, and black pants.

"What's wrong, Ali? Why can't you come home?"

Alison shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. "I thought I knew."

"Is it because of Board Shorts?"

"I don't know anymore. I need your help figuring it out, though."

"We're trying, Ali," Emily said desperately. "We need more, though."

"Tell Aria to be careful with who she lets in."


	8. Chapter 8

On top of the insomnia making its ugly comeback, Spencer found another culprit had joined the fray. Ugly headaches that left her starving for any relief. They manifested themselves when she least expected it, too.

One night it was while she was lying with Toby in bed.

The other night while she was alone at home, studying for a makeup test.

It was on the list of side effects, and it didn't please her one bit, but it was keeping her more alert, and that was the whole point of the hideous drug in the first place.

Popping two or three pills a day was normal for her now. She had followed Brenda's advice, and had gone above the prescribed limit.

School was swiftly becoming a nightmare. Her headaches left her feeling sick, especially with how bright the lighting happened to be, and with all of the students crushed together as they talked loud.

"Are you okay?" Aria asked, coming up next to her at their lockers.

"Don't talk so loud," Spencer groaned, shaking her head.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" 

Swallowing convulsively, Spencer shook her head. "Nothing, just a headache."

One that made her feel nauseous and in desperate need of a laydown.

"Do you need to go home?"

"No, it's fine."

It was probably not one of her wisest decisions, but the Hastings in her, decided to rough it out and stay until the end of the day.

Math class was her last class of the day. By that time, she was dragging. She knew that it was because of the Ritalin, but she stubbornly clenched her teeth, and foolishly hoped that if she wished it away, it would automatically disappear.

Foolish thinking.

When she was finally able to walk out of that brick building, she made a baleen straight for her house, grabbing a heating pad from downstairs, and carrying it up with her to her room.

Once there, she locked the door, put the heating pad on medium, plugged in her CD of soothing music, and tried to lose herself in that for just the slightest bit of time.

What she was doing was dangerous, and she knew it. If she was already having those kind of side effects, she shuddered to think what else could happen a few days or weeks down the road.

But her grades had been climbing, they had been improving due to her increased ability to focus and that was a hard thing to lose.

Her eyes closing seemingly of their own accord, she soon found herself falling into an uneasy slumber.

Taking her things with her to the loft for date night, was the only thing she could do. Studying had been vetoed all day in favor of forced family time, something she cringed at since she knew her family felt guilty for neglecting her.

"Is there ever a time when you're _not _studying?" Toby asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked at her.

"When I'm sleeping," she replied cheekily.

"Do you want pasta for dinner?"

"I don't care," she snapped, "do what you want."

She felt bad the instant the words had left her mouth. She looked up at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Spence," he said, taking a seat next to her. "I wasn't going to say anything-"

"About what?"

"Are you taking drugs?"


	9. Chapter 9

Spencer had no idea that he had caught on so quickly. Sure, her mood had been altered by the medication, but she had no idea that he had put two and two together so fast.

"I'm-"

"I want to help you," he insisted, "but you have to be honest, Spence."

A part of her was annoyed, even if it was true.

"Why do you think I am?"

She watched as he reached into his pocket, withdrawing the pill bottle and set it down in front of her. "I found these in the sheets this morning."

Her pill bottle.

She musth ave left it there when she had rushed out to get ready for school. Looking down at the drugs, she bit her lip as she looked at him, silently begging him for his understanding and support.

"Spence?"

"It's not what you think," she said, taking a deep breath.

This concern for her wellbeing, she wasn't used to it. At least not like this. Her family lived completely separate lives from her, only accepting and giving her attention when she did something worthy of their attention.

"Then what it is it?" he asked calmly.

"I'm taking the Ritalin because a girl at school that I'm friends with, told me that it would help me focus more."

The balloon that had obviously been in his chest, deflated as he exhaled. "But Ritalin? That's a serious drug, Spence."

"I know, I know."

"How long have you been on this?"

"Couple of weeks."

Toby shook his head in astonishment. "And look what it's doing to you. You're mood is way off, and if that's happening to you mentally, can you imagine what it's doing to you physically?"

It was like Russian Roulette. She knew that she was playing with fire, but she also knew how incredibly difficult it was to stop.

"I've been having these headaches," she said, clamping a hand across her forehead.

"And that's probably why. Another thing, Spence, these were given to you without a prescription."

"I know..."

"And if any cop were to come here and search, they would find these and I'd be the one in trouble because I own this place."

"I'm sorry," Spencer said, placing her hand on his arm. "I really am. I didn't think of it like that."

The last thing they needed were more cops on their tail. They had walked through that nightmare barely unscathed, and the last thing, she wanted was a repeat.

"Spence, I can't tell you what to do, but I don't think this is a good idea."

"I know," she whispered. "Just take the pills and flush them."

"Do you promise you won't-"

"Yeah. I promise."


	10. Chapter 10

Any person that quit a drug coldturkey, would tell you that that was a mistake. Your body, which had become accustomed over time, to the effects of the drugs, would now spiral into a tailspin, wondering where the jolt was that it had learned to crave.

Your brain sends signals, telling you that it's wrong, that you should continue with what you're doing, but your body can be even more persuasive than your brain sometimes.

Symptoms that had previously been under control, could manifest, making you desperate for any relief, as you try to navigate the murky waters without the drug, and without any source of comfort.

It had been a week since Spencer had stopped the drugs, believing that if she waited it out, her dependency on them would subside before stopping altogether.

She was stunned when the symptoms continued. There was no doubt that there was something in the drug that she wasn't getting along with.

Curled up in her blankets, she tried to block out the world, the harsh light that came from the window. Reaching for a sleeping pill she had been subscribed after her Radley adventure, she popped two, before turning over on her side.

It had the desired effect. Soon, she found herself slipping into a peaceful oblivion, giving her the only relief she'd had all day.

It was dangerous what she was doing, and she knew it, but she was powerless to stop it. It was like a roller coaster that constantly changed, one moment allowing her sanctuary, the other moment, badgering her to give in.

"Spencer?"

There was a voice calling her name. Somewhere in the deep recesses of her sleep-riddled mind she knew that it was Toby.

Lifting one eye open, she looked blearily at him. "Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

Her head felt stiff as she shook it. "No."

Even in her groggy state, she could see the wheels turning in Toby's head, as he made room for himself beside her on the bed. "Spence, I need you to focus for a second."

"What?" she asked, clamping a hand over her eyes at the rough, overhead lighting. "Turn off the light, please."

"There isn't any light. It's from outside."

"Oh."

Even though she was aware that something was different with her body, and how she was thinking, her body was too out of it to properly process it.

"Spence, are you taking it again?"

"What?"

"The Ritalin," he prompted. "Are you on it again?"

Spencer shook her head, drawing her knees up closer to her body as she curled up. "No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I took two sleeping pills."

She heard his sigh, as he withdrew from the bed. She didn't know if she had disappointed him, or if he was concerned about her health.

"Spence, that's dangerous."

"Oh, well."

"Just sleep it off, okay?"

That was an easy commandment as she curled up, her back to him as her eyes fluttered shut.

* * *

The next day at school, Brenda caught up to her. Her hair flapping wildly behind her as she screeched to a halt.

"Hey, Spencer!"

"Hi, Brenda," she said warily.

"I was looking over my notes, and I haven't gotten any of your papers in awhile," she said, lowering her voice imperceptibly so others passing by wouldn't hear it.

"I'm not taking the pills anymore."

"Oh? Why not?"

"I had a bad reaction to them," Spencer said quietly. "And anyway, it's not worth my relationship."

"What about your grades?"

"I'll have to figure it out."

"You know, you can't just go off of those coldturkey. It has to be gradual."

"I'll figure it out."

She was soon eating her words. In English class, her easiest class, she found herself dozing, something that she never really did before.

Her focus was blurring in and out, and her willpower fading. Discreetly reaching into her pocket, one eye on the teacher, she grabbed two pills and quickly washed them down.

Shame quickly flooded through her veins as she swiped a hand across her eyes.

She had broken her promise to Toby.

Had taken drugs that she knew was harming her, and all because she couldn't stand the idea of losing the perfect GPA.

Class had just ended. Relief flooded through her, as she made a quick exit. It clearly wasn't the smartest idea. The increased pace, followed by the drugs she had taken, was too much for her body, as she felt herself go down.

Her head was saved from hitting the floor, by a couple of well-meaning students, and a teacher who quickly got 911 on the phone.

Inside though, she was gone.

Her spirit was still alive.

But her body had burned itself out.


	11. Chapter 11

Someone, one of the girls, had gotten in touch with Toby right after the ambulance had been called. As a result, he arrived at the school, seconds after the paramedics had.

He pushed and shoved his way through the throng of people that had gathered around the scene. It made him sick that they were treating Spencer as a spectacle, something to goggle at when she was down.

Finally making his way through the crowd, he crouched down beside Spencer. In the time that she had collapsed, and the paramedics had been called, she had managed to be revived.

It broke his heart when she saw him. Tears ran down her face as she blindly clutched his hand. "Toby."

"I'm here, Spence."

"I'm sorry," she sobbed.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he clutched her hand tightly. "What do you mean?"

"I took more. I got dizzy and I went down."

Sighing, he forced a smile on his face. "It's okay. We'll deal with it later, okay? Let's just focus on getting you better.

Spencer nodded, sucking in a deep breath.

The paramedics quickly had her rolled onto a stretcher, placing the protective belts around her, as they bundled her up in blankets to keep her warm.

Unsure of what to do, he followed them outside. It seemed to comfort Spencer, who kept her eyes trained on him the entire time.

A large part of him wanted to be angry, wanted to feel betrayed that she had broken her promise and had gone back on the pills, but all he felt was the desire to make sure that she was okay, that she got the help she needed.

"Can I go with her?" Toby asked one of the paramedics.

"Are you immediate family?"

"No."

"You can ride behind us, and meet up with us there at the hospital."

Sighing, Toby nodded as he drew back from the ambulance, but not before he pressed a kiss to Spencer's forehead.

"I'll meet you there." 

"Okay," she said, forcing herself to take a deep breath. "I love you. 

"I love you, too."

The drive there was horrific. Emily and Aria rode with him, but their presence didn't stop the thoughts from manifesting.

He had never known someone to have such a severe reaction to pills before, and it freaked him out in more ways than one.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, he forced himself to take a deep breath through the rush hour traffic that conveniently happened to be when he was most desperate to reach his destination.

No one talked.

No one moved a muscle.

They were too focused on getting her the help she needed.

Once they pulled into the hospital entrance, he parked his car as close as possible, so he and the girls could get there faster.

Only one person was allowed back into the room where Spencer was.

The collectively decided it should be Toby.

He would be the one that would pull her together, keep her calm while the doctors ran whatever tests they had to do in order to confirm what was wrong with her.

The doctors and nurses had her flat on an examination table as they poked and prodded her with different needles and IV's.

"Spence," he said, moving to her side, making sure to stay out of the way of the various equipment and nurses.

"Toby."

Her complexion was pale, highlighted by the harsh lighting that was positioned directly above her.

It was an unforgivable position to be in, as he clung tightly to her hand, offering her the only source of comfort that he could.

"I'm right here," he said, raising her hand to his and kissing it. "I'm not leaving."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop," he said firmly. "Don't think about that right now."

"We did a drug test," the on-call doctor announced, "and you had high levels of methylphenidate in your system, which is the name of Ritalin, and two different sleeping pills."

Spencer avoided their eyes, as she ran her tongue over her lips, trying to hydrate them. "Yeah," she said.

"How long have you been on these things?" 

"A few weeks, I think."

"Right now, your body is just so riddled with these different drugs, that it created a domino effect in your body. We have to pump your stomach right now to get rid of all this."

Clenching her eyes closed as more tears squeezed out, she nodded in submission. "Okay," she said, "I guess I don't have a choice?"

"No."

"Can I stay?" Toby asked, figuring he would be the one source of support she would need through this horrifying procedure.

"Yes."

It only took a few minutes for the doctors to prepare her for that. They brought in a long tube, and the liquid that would be pumped through the tube to clear out the drugs.

"Toby," Spencer cried, "please, don't let them do this. Please."

"Spence, my hands are tied," he said, his voice breaking at the pain and fear in hers.

"I'm scared."

It was one of the first times she had ever admitted that in his company, and he knew to treat it seriously.

Taking her hand, he pressed a series of kisses to it, before moving to the other hand. "Focus on me, honey, focus on my face during this, okay?"

"Okay."

Her bed was propped up for the procedure in order for her to throw up the drugs that the liquid they poured down would get. They laid a gown down over her to get anything that came out.

"This will be fast, Spencer," the doctor warned. "The most important thing is that you stay calm for this, because the experience will go a lot smoother."

Spencer nodded, unable to speak, as she looked at Toby, squeezing his hand tightly. "I'm never doing this again," she cried, "I don't want this, Toby."

"I know, I know."

The procedure started with the doctors inserting a thin tube down her throat, which her gag reflexes immediately reacted to, as she started gagging.

It absolutely tormented Toby, watching her react like that, and knowing he was powerless to stop it. All he could do was whisper sweet nothings into her ear, squeeze her hand and hope his presence alone would help.

Once the tube was firmly planted in her stomach, they poured the charcoal mixture down the tube. It would eradicate everything bad in her stomach, and bring it back up again.

Once the liquid was in her system, the doctors quickly brought the tube back up, and prepared a throw up bowl in front of her.

"That was horrible," she choked, once the tube was out.

"Well, it's not over. You still have to throw it up," the nurse said. "Then it's over."

Groaning, she palmed her face as she waited for the inevitable. Her body, usually so strong and unbreakable, felt weak and tired as she waited for the charcoal to work its magic.

"How do you feel?" Toby asked, once she had thrown up the drugs.

"Tired," she whispered tearfully. "I just hope they got it all."

They had. Because of the intensity of the procedure, she was required to stay the night in the hospital.

Her parents, who had been in New York at the time of the incident, didn't bother canceling the trip. She was used to it. She had Toby and the girls there for support, and that was all that mattered to her.


	12. Chapter 12

It took awhile for Spencer to calm down enough to actually be able to rest. The procedure, and the last several hours, had traumatized her. Usually fiercely independent, she didn't want Toby to leave her side.

Her throat was sore from the tube being down it, requiring her to get a shot of medication in her IV. Her stomach cramps and her dizziness had gone away, in the course of the last several hours, enabling her some peace, as she curled up on her side, trying to fall asleep.

"I really screwed up," she whispered hoarsely, locking eyes with Toby.

"You didn't know this could happen."

"I should have. What happened to my brain when I needed it the most?"

In talking to the doctor, they had learned that there had been an ingredient in the medication that she had been allergic to, prompting her bizarre string of symptoms.

Her body had literally been poisoned by the drug.

"Sometimes when our brains desert us, we have to rely on common sense."

"I know," she whispered, swiping away at her tears. "It was so embarrassing, falling at school like that."

"I don't think anyone felt anything but sympathy toward you. I know I did."

"That's because you're you," she said, allowing her a lopsided smile to grace her features.

"Maybe things can calm down now?"

"Maybe," she nodded, still looking unsure. "Maybe you should go and update the girls. I'm sure they're wondering what's going on."

Toby nodded, looking uncertain as he rose to his feet. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Maybe have one of them sneak me in some fries or a shake."

"Or both."

"Yeah," she laughed.

Leaning down, he gave her a kiss on her forehead, before turning and walking out the door.

Spencer had been transformed to a room overnight. It beat having to lie there in the trauma room, and it would be a lot more comfortable.

The walk out to the waiting room wasn't too bad. It gave him the chance to blow off steam that had been building in his chest all afternoon.

A part of him felt angry. He felt betrayed that Spencer had broken her promise to him, and had gone back on the pills when she had promised she wouldn't.

Another, larger part of him, was relieved that she was okay, that she had finally seemed to learn her lesson in regards to the pills.

Having her stomach pumped, seeing the look of fear on her face as they shoved that tube down her throat, was a sight he hoped he could forget soon. It had killed him watching her go through that, and know that he couldn't fix it for her.

Once he finally reached the set of doors that led to the waiting area, he braced himself for the barrage of questions that would soon reach him.

"Toby," Aria said, racing to meet him halfway. "How is she? What took so long?" 

"Is she doing better? Did the doctors figure out what was happening?" Emily joined in.

It was all consuming, as Toby fought his way around them to sit down. They immediately took a seat on either side of them, still not forgetting their concerns.

It was touching, their concern for their friend, who was more like a sister than a friend to them.

"I don't know if you know about the drugs she's been taking," Toby began.

"No," Aria said, shaking her head as she exchanged looks with Emily.

"She's been stressing in school, and some friend of hers recommended that she start taking these drugs to increase her focus."

"What drug?" Emily asked, looking pale as a ghost as she bit down nervously on her thumb.

"Ritalin. It's some mood control drug that she's been abusing."

"Yeah," Aria said thoughtfully, "my brother was on that for awhile."

"She had a bad reaction to it," Toby said, blinking his eyes rapidly to stop the tears before they made an appearance. "And they had to pump her stomach."

It then when Toby couldn't hold back the tears anymore, as Emily rubbed his back comfortingly.

"Is she okay now?" Aria asked, looking stricken.

"Yeah, she's resting. She wanted me to come out and fill you guys in."

"Are you going to stay here with her?"

Toby nodded.

There was no way he would leave her now, not when she had just gotten through that procedure.

"Okay, what should we do?" Emily asked.

"Go home, and then in the morning, she'll be released if nothing else happens."

"Okay, give her our love."

"I will."

The doctors offered him a cot, but he refused it. The recliner by her bed, was more comfortable than the cot was.

Spencer slept peacefully through the night with little variation. When she finally woke up in the morning, she had managed to obtain a full night's rest.

The same couldn't be said for Toby, who had slept off and on throughout the entire night, worrying sick about her.

"Hey, stranger," he teased gently, "how are you feeling?" 

"Better," she rasped. "Still weak, but I feel better."

"Good."

It was all that mattered. His own personal tiredness didn't mean anything, as long as she was able to have the crucial rest she so desperately needed.

"I have to tell you something," she began, worryingly twisting her blanket around her finger, avoiding his eye.

"What is it?"

"Something I've known for weeks, but haven't told you."

"What?"

"Alison is alive."


	13. Chapter 13

"Why didn't you tell me _before_?" 

"Because," she said, avoiding his gaze as she focused on her blankets. "I know what she's done to you, and I didn't want you to have to face her-"

"That wasn't _your _decision to make."

"I know, I know."

"When did you find out about her?"

"Since Halloween."

Toby sighed, running a weary hand over his face. It had been weeks since Halloween, and Spencer had felt like she needed to lie to him, cover up the fact that Alison had somehow returned.

"What about our promise to never keep anything from each other?"

"It was too much," she said, wringing her hands. "I didn't want to upset you-"

"Well, I'm upset now."

"Toby," she said, reaching for his hand, but he jerked it out of her grasp. "Please listen."

"Yes?" 

"I was going to tell you. I just wanted a good time to tell you. Please, I don't like this, either."

It wasn't a normal, functioning relationship, he knew that. The number of secrets they had kept from each other, could sink a boat.

"Where do we go from here, Spence?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, tilting her head to the side in that adorable way of hers.

Toby sighed, lacing his fingers behind his had in frustration, before finally meeting her probing gaze. "We keep doing this, Spence. We keep lying to each other."

"I know. I don't like it."

"Then why?"

"I don't know."

"Do you trust me?"

After all, any person would begin with that logical question. A part of him knew better than that, but he still had to get that out in the open.

"Of course," she said without hesitation.

She trusted him with her life, with everything in her life. It was inconceivable to her that he would question that sacred act. It wasn't easy for her to let people in, but she had with him.

"I can't live like this," he said finally. "We have to start opening up to each other more, or I can't be in this anymore."

"I know," she said quietly. "We can work on it, okay?"

"Okay," he said, holding out his hand.

Laughing, she high-fived it.

It wasn't perfect. No relationship was, but if they stayed together, if they fought together, than she knew that true love would prevail.


End file.
